Afishionados,

I hate birds. Hate ‘em. They shit all over everything and they’re all out to get me. Today, yet another one of these avian vermin bastards tried to kill me. Fortunately for me (and undoubtedly for you), I survived its malicious attempt.

Today started out as any other shitty happy Navy day. I woke up at 4, took the Navy’s finest transportation system to work, and arrived at 8. Around 8:30 this morning, I left the Pacific’s most-hated greatest aircraft carrier to make a phone call.

The shipyard workers were doing what they do best when I went to use the phone: rehearsing for STOMP. Thankfully, there are phone booths on base that almost provide some noise cancelation when making calls.

When I finished bitching about the Navy telling my parents how awesome the Navy is, I stepped out from the booth and started back for the Abe. Before I had passed the cardboard dumpster, an entire package of Keebler fudge cookies fell from the sky and all but crushed my skull. With reflexes that would make Anakin Skywalker cry with jealousy, I dodged, rolled, jumped, and lept out of the way just in the nick of time.

Once the panic left my body, I heard a sinister “laughing” noise. I looked up and there, on top of the cardboard dumpster, sat the world’s biggest seagull, mocking me. His beady little red eyes met mine and I could see that he was enraged and foaming at the beak. He was mad as hell that his murder attempt failed so miserably and that I had cheated death once more. With a powerful and satanic swoop, he lurched off the dumpster and made straight for my face.

Like a constipated woman on the toilet, I crouched down and screamed at the top of my lungs for dear life in anticipation of the oncoming pain. The gull missed me by mere inches and flew off to shit elsewhere on the base. I was left standing in a pile of my own sweat, staring at the package of cookies. I wondered how in the hell the seagull could lift such an item and where and when the dreaded beast would strike again…

This entry was posted on Saturday, October 14th, 2006 at 11:22 pm and is filed under Birds, Bullshit, Help!, Navy, Oddities. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.