Afishionados,

I’ve decided to offer you guys a chance to come to work with me so you can see what I do all day on the fire watch team. But first, there are some rules you guys have to know about before you can just walk into the hangar bay.

We’re all about stupidity safety here on the Lincoln. Backpacks are welcome onboard the Lincoln, but there are some stipulations. You can only wear it on your back if you’re not on the ship. I have been stopped in the hangar bay twice already for violations on this, our most serious of national security threats (Once for wearing my backpack on my back via both shoulders straps and once for having it slung over my right shoulder).

Instead of wearing your backpack, you’re going to have to carry it in your left hand at all times (in case you must salute an officer in the hangar bay). Once again, at no time must you wear your backpack on your back.

I realize some of you out there may not be able to fit all your belongings into a normal-sized backpack for our little outing. Fret not, this is the government and we have a solution. You are permitted to bring along your standard Navy issue seabag (pictured above). Please note, however, that upon entering the hangar bay, your seabag must be worn on your back via both shoulders through both shoulder straps. Again, to reiterate, you must wear your seabag on your back while in the hangar bay.

Because the Lincoln is in drydock, hardhats are required to be worn on the ship at all times. If you are caught without your hardhat while onboard Abraham Lincoln there is a high probability that someone in khakis will come along and bitch at you because they have nothing better to do. Be warned, that if the khaki-wearer has a mustache, their odds of being a complete asshole are quadrupled.

Safety to your eyes is paramount. Therefore, safety goggles are required to be worn at all times in conjunction with your hardhat. Please be advised that the khaki rule (above) also applies to goggles. If you’re like me and you already wear durable polycarbonate eyeglasses, tough shit. You’re not a pretty little butterfly and you’re not special. This is the government and we’ve created a solution: wear safety goggles over your eyeglasses. Sure, this will increase the amount of glare and make it harder to see because you’re looking through two pairs of eyeglasses, but at least you’ll be safe.

Shipyard hippies workers are also prone to bitching at you for not wearing your safety goggles. Ignore them, as I do, because they are not in the Navy and are not in your chain of disarray command. Don’t get upset if a hippie calls you out. Instead, offer them a friendly sarcastic retort. “Oh, I’m sorry, do I work for you?” Chances are, they will either not get it or will just walk away. Exercise caution, however, as some hippies are notorious for sniffing out khakis and bitching to them about you, which puts you in danger of the khaki rule.

By following these and other simple rules, your time spent onboard the USS Abraham Lincoln is sure to be a pleasant one. Thank you and welcome aboard!

This entry was posted on Friday, September 22nd, 2006 at 10:26 am and is filed under Bullshit, Navy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.