I’ll Take Tinnitus for $500, please, Alex.
Afishionados,
I had an audiogram test this week for my best friend in the whole wide world: Uncle Sam. The test took place at Medical onboard the USS Abraham Lincoln. The first step is to get inside the Stinks Horribly Inside ThisTM Box. The SHIT Box has been around since the days of the Roman Empire and it’s nearly airtight. Therefore, it smells like the entire Roman Army died inside it, along with a couple hundred years of sweat and cat puke.
Once you’ve settle yourself in the RoidMakerTM plastic chair of uncomfortness within the SHIT Box, you’re instructed to put on the oldest headphones known to mankind. Alexander Graham Bell would take one look at these suckers and exclaim, “Ha! You fuckers are still using those?”.
Then, to make the experience more exciting, you pick up the Clicker and prepare for the test itself. The Clicker is nothing more than a small, cylindrical device with a single black button. The idea is to push it whenever you hear (or, in my case, think you hear) a sound through the headphones. It’s like playing Jeopardy! without ever having to answer a question. I really felt like Ken Jennings in there. Only sweatier.
Eventually, very quiet tones are played through the headphones and you’re supposed to mash the hell out of the button to demonstrate your (in)ability to hear them. Oh, and did I mention that the SHIT Box and Medical are located right under the hangar bay of the carrier? Good luck trying to hear quiet tones over the scraping sounds of shipyard workers dragging big ass metal bins the size of motor homes across the hangar bay.
I performed the test Russian roulette style. Every few seconds I’d press the button in a vain attempt to demonstrate I could still hear even if I didn’t hear a damn thing. I must have passed, though, because I was given the nation’s finest earplugs as a lovely parting gift.
August 17th, 2006 at 8:31 pm
Oh damn. I just laughed too hard and freaked my dogs out.
I’m an earplug connoisseur and am curious as to which are the nation’s finest.
August 17th, 2006 at 8:31 pm
Welcome to the U.S. Navy, the best in the world which Dickie, Rumy and I fund. Hey, some of that sweat is mine as I landed there when I claimed victory in Irag. Quit yer bitchin and get some air spray. I really suffered in those National Guard cockpits with my hangover in MS. while I was evading, err., serving my country (sic) during Viet Nam. Glad you liked the earplugs! I AM the government and am here to help.
August 17th, 2006 at 8:37 pm
Chickie, those are the FINEST earplugs in the universe. We, the Government, bought them from my friends at Halliburton for ONLY $1000 a pair. Wal Mart sells them for $.50 a pair but we ARE the government. You can get them at Wal Mart.
August 17th, 2006 at 8:49 pm
Just received word from the Pentagon of your comment pursuant to the Patriot Act. We monitor such things you know, despite the liberals and their cries of the 4th and 6th Amendment invasion of rights. The earplugs you inquire about are the xz-257-0501367 model. Contact http://www.Halliburton.com for purchase. Please mention my name for a discount.
August 17th, 2006 at 8:52 pm
What’s the big deal? I like sweat smell. That’s why I like my balls. Arf!
August 17th, 2006 at 10:18 pm
What? Speak up! I hate all this whispering going on behind my back.
August 17th, 2006 at 10:28 pm
I wondr what theyda done if evry time you pushd th buttn you made a explosion sound.
August 18th, 2006 at 6:22 am
Chickie: They’re made by ELVEX and they’re the Quattro model. The Quattros are really fancy. They even say “Tapones de Oido” on the bag. You just can’t go wrong with ear tampons.
Joey: It just means I would’ve pushed the button harder, faster, and more often. Just like if Keira and I were to have s-. Oh, never mind…
August 19th, 2006 at 5:06 am
I’m a blog snob, but this particular entry made me giggle out loud three, count them, THREE times!!!!
I’m sure that you have super sensory hearing to compensate for your accelerated vision loss and hairy palms.
August 19th, 2006 at 10:15 am
Ah, I too have sat in that particular SHIT box. While the box of noise there on the Clinkin’ is bad, you should have seen the Paleolithic era box on the Connie. Either way, I failed the shit out of the test both times which technically means I should have went shore duty somewhere with NO JETS. Obviously, it never happened. On the upside, I still have my polystyrophomologically ergonimical wunderplugs. I think W gave them the name.
August 19th, 2006 at 2:30 pm
I’m the anonymous poster by the way. I was so excited about the funniness of the blog entry that I forgot my own name. DUR!
I never thought that I would actually like something involving old fish and lemonade. Proven wrong once again!
August 29th, 2006 at 11:48 pm
As an old sonarman, been their, done that. By the way, The headphones in the sonar shack belonged to A G Bell’s buddy Watson!