As I have mentioned before, the building that I work in has no windows to the outside world. You must have a security/name badge to get past the quarterdeck (civilians: just think of it as a lobby) and into the building. All personnel coming and going are subject to random searches as they enter and arrive.

I’d decided to include these random searches as evidence for my case involving gays in the military. Granted, random security searches do not constitute homosexuality in their own right. However, within the past 72 hours I have been frisked 6 times by the same two people. The first guy wanded me 4 times last Friday alone, and today I was wanded twice in a three hour timeframe. I left for lunch at noon, was wanded, and left the building at 3:00 P.M. and was wanded again.

I think both these guys are mechanics, which means they’re stupid right off the bat. Mechanics, like monkeys, like shiny objects and poop. Unfortunately for me, I had neither available to me on the quarterdeck. Each time I was searched, I couldn’t help but notice that no staff members were ever asked to stop for investigation. Apparently, the people with access to more of the confidential stuff than me are not a threat. Me, though, I’m always trying to meet up with terrorists to sell nuclear secrets on my way to McDonald’s so naturally I should be searched more often.

I’m going to start carrying the most random shit in my pockets from now on. Things on my list that I must obtain:

• Pocket sized rubber chicken
• Small bottle of Astroglide or KY Jelly
• A whistle
• the Satanic Bible
• Photogaphs of Cher, Oprah, and Marilyn Manson (with lipstick kisses on each them)
• Those long balloons used to make balloon animals
• Packets of soy sauce
• False teeth

Further suggestions welcome.

This entry was posted on Monday, April 17th, 2006 at 4:40 pm and is filed under Bullshit, Navy, Observations. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.