Afishionados,

I’m finished with the training here in Charleston, SC so it is, with great sadness, that I must cancel my Internet access for the time being. (The evil man from the cable company is supposed to stop by sometime today to unplug me.) I know what you’re thinking, but there’s really no need to cry. And there’s no need to send flowers. (Instead, send cash, a 17″ MacBook Pro, and/or autographed photos of Keira Knightley.) I promise that I’ll return.

I’ve created a map in the spirit of a flow chart so everyone will know where I’m going and how I’ll get there. I’m off to San Diego this upcoming Friday (May 5th) for some mysterious training for the Navy. I have no idea what it’s for but at least I’ll get to spend some time in California. I won’t have my computer with me, but I’ve found a couple Apple Retail stores in the area and they have free Internet access. I’ll do my best to keep everyone informed of all things important.

After a month in San Diego, it’s off to Washington state via Herbie. And speaking of Herbie, I recently discovered that the raccoon I obliterated got the last laugh. I have a small crack in my right fender. Fucking furball… Have to get that fixed.

This is Old Fish and Lemonade, last survivor of the Nostromo, signing off¹.

¹I’m really going to try and find Internet access someplace in San Diego and I hope to have an apartment and Internet access by July 1st. I’m afraid O.F.a.L. updates will be sporadic until then.

When Peter Jackson was asked to direct Tetherd Cow Ahead: The Movie, he immediately turned it down, stating that “the film is much too complicated and surreal” to be adapted to the big screen. “It’s like The Lord of the Rings, but worse. It’s just too damn big.” Fortunately for fans around the globe, Landon Flanagan stepped up to the plate and brought us the biggest, most spectacular film the world has ever seen. Ebert and Roeper call it “An instant classic” that is “not to be missed unless you have an excuse not to see it”.

The soundtrack to the biggest-budget film of all time is just as huge as the movie. Packed with over two hours of music, it’s being touted as “the must-have CD of the year!” by fans and critics everywhere.

When it was announced that Peter Miller would be doing the soundtrack to his own movie (under the guise of “Perpetual Ocean“), fans everywhere were hesitant. Was Miller trying to save a few bucks by doing his own music? It’s no secret that Tetherd Cow Ahead was overbudget, even before principal photography had begun shooting. (Contract woes with Joey Polanski put great strain on the film early on. Originally, Polanski had refused his now-famous nude rap music scene, where he beat boxes in the buff. Doubtless that the film would not stand where it is today without a pivotal scene such as this.)

Once it was announced that Shakira would come aboard the project to aid Miller in writing the music for his epic masterpiece, the fears of many were allayed. It was a tremendous risk for Miller that ultimately paid off in the end. All three of the songs from the soundtrack featuring Shakira have been #1 on the charts since the album’s release.

“Femmes Fatale” is perhaps the most recognizable and most appreciated of the three. At just over 30 minutes in length, the song is prominently heard during the controversial scenes with Anne Arkham and Jill mud wrestiling to compete for the love of the Reverend Anaglyph. The chorus, sung by Shakira at the top of her lungs, is positively invigorating. The director needed a musical piece worthy of such a scene, and Shakira does not disappoint. A hint of “March of the Reverend” (the film’s central theme throughout) can be heard in the background, and the polka finale (right as Polanski enters at the end of the scene) is unforgettable. “Femmes Fatale” is the longest (and arguably the best) song on the entire album. (The song’s 30 plus minutes length is necessary because the mud wrestling scene was filmed in the “bullet time” style made famous by The Matrix.)

The “Battle of Limericks” is the most controversial song featured in the soundtrack. It’s in this song that Shakira sings and recites the film’s now infamous limericks. On it’s own, the “Battle of Limericks” is little more than pure drivel and pointless banter. A recent review by Simon Cowell (he calls the music “disturbingly unpredictable”) has pushed the song to #3 on the top ten charts around the world, but it is believed by many that this is the only reason that anyone still listens to it.

“Glitch in the System” is the final song that Shakira sings. The song is a duet with Peter Miller and Shakira and is played near the film’s end when the Reverend Anaglyph receives a new kitten. While Shakira herself is reminiscent of a screeching cat, it’s Miller that really makes this song shine and stand out. Surprisingly, the didgeridoos in this song are a real treat and who knew that Miller was a soprano? It’s safe to assume that “Glitch in the System” is the “My Heart Will Go On” of its time.

With sales of the soundtrack to Tetherd Cow Ahead now reaching millions, it’s no surprise that other artists are wanting to record their own renditions of the album’s most popular songs. Rod Stewart’s techno remix of the entire album (at the request of Peter Miller himself) is expected to be in stores by the end of the year.

With the ever-increasing popularity of downloading music from the Internet, the music industry has fallen on tough times. Sales of tangible records are down, as more and more people are choosing to get their music from the web. Is the soundtrack to Tetherd Cow Ahead: The Movie enough to jumpstart weak sales? Only time will tell, but one thing is certain: No collection is complete without the music from Tetherd Cow Ahead: The Movie.

☆☆☆ out of Five

Once again, I aim to please. Someone found my web site by searching for the term “fiberglass testicles“. Why would you search for this? What’s wrong with the real thing? Well, lucky for you, I’m not one to pry, I’m just here to make sure you, the reader, get what you came¹ for. I think I may have to add “Query Results” as a weekly feature here on the Fish.

¹Get it? Testicles? What you came for? Oh forget it…

Cliff Pickover has a FARK-wannabe site called the Reality Carnival.  He linked to my site, but he abbreviated the title of my site to “Fish Lemonade”.  So, in return for this kind favor, I’ve decided to abbreviate my link to his site as well.  Click here to visit Eat Anal.

Disneyworld, the summer before my brother Drew joined the Marines. We are staying at a very nice hotel with a large outdoor swimming pool and hot tub. On the way back from the pool, Drew stops at the hot tub where two teenage boys (around 13 or 14 years old the most) are casually chatting together. Neither of us know who these kids are, but I watch, not knowing what the hell he has planned. Drew gets down on his hands and knees and looks at them with a face similar to that shown in the photo¹ above.

He asks, “Did you guys pee in here?”

The two boys blush and exchange glances. “What?”

Drew repeats, “Did you pee in here, in the hot tub?”

“No,” the teens reply at the same time.

Drew fully submerges his head into the hot tub, comes out from the water, and shakes his head much like a dog attempting to dry itself after a bath.

Licking his lips and making a sour face, he observes, “Well it tastes like piss water in here.”

Together, my brother and I walk off and leave the two teens to forever ponder, “What the fuck was that all about?”

¹The shirt that Drew is wearing features an iron-on photo of my youngest brother.

Forsooth and behold the Moist Towelette of the Almighty!

A gift from my mother from a couple years back. I rediscovered this gem while cleaning my house in preparation for the upcoming move to Washington. I can’t help but wonder if one towelette is going to be enough for me. I think I need something more like a roll of quilted Bounty.

The towelette is still sealed. I’m saving it for that extra special sins of the flesh occasion.

I bought Myst V last fall when it was released and never really got into it. I installed it again last night for shits and giggles and ended up beating the game. Completing it has left me with a mixed bag of emotions.

I received the original Myst as a birthday present in 1993. It had made all the headlines and magazines and my dad thought I’d like it. He was right. Not only did I like it, I couldn’t get enough of it. Before Myst, I owned only two games: Wolfenstein 3D and Doom II. Although the graphics for those games were good back in ‘93, Myst’s were so believable that they were unbelievable. Plus, this game required some skill in puzzle solving, a nice break from the mindless shooting action of Doom and Wolfenstein.

When Riven, the sequel to Myst, was released in 1997, I was ecstatic. The graphics were even better and the story was much improved over the original. A novel, Myst: the Book of Atrus, was released between games and was more or less a prequel to the events of Riven. Since I had read the book, I enjoyed the sequel to Myst even more. Myst and Riven had depth and characters that I cared about. It wasn’t enough for me to know what was happening, I wanted to know why it was happening. I found myself caring for these fictitious game characters as much as I would for actors in a really good movie.

Sadly, I think the pinnacle of the Myst franchise was Riven. Myst III: Exile was released around 2001 and had little to do with the original series. While the technical improvements of the game were welcomed, the graphics were not better than its predecessor and the story was lame. It felt like a stale spin-off rather than a true sequel.

Enter Myst IV: Revelation. Myst IV attempted to revisit the roots of the original Myst series, and expanded upon the story of Sirrus and Achenar, the two “villains” from the original Myst game. Myst IV: Revelation was only a revelation in that it made me realize I no longer cared about the Myst games. All the Myst games were like slideshows, in that they featured pre-rendered graphics at the expense of being able to play the game in real time (like Quake or Unreal). This wasn’t so bad in the mid 90’s, when computers could hardly run the “graphic intense” games like Doom or Duke Nukem 3D, but Myst IV was released in 2004. Technology had caught up with Myst, but still Myst IV was a slideshow-like game. It also had the most annoying puzzles and the most shameful acting of the series. So annoying were the puzzles, in fact, that I never finished the game.

Myst V was finally released last fall and was, for the first time, a true Myst sequel that utilized a 3D engine and ran in real time. (Myst purists would argue that Real Myst and URU: Ages Beyond Myst were the first real Myst games to run in 3D, but Real Myst was nothing more than a remake of the 1993 original and URU was a failed, online gaming spin-off and had little, if anything, to do with the original characters.) While the graphics for Myst V were good, the story was, once again, abysmal. The central “plot” of the story isn’t really explained in detail, and I didn’t really care one way or another about the two central characters.

There are four possible endings for Myst V, two of which allow the player to return to the original Myst island. I saved my game and went, just to see what it was like. Besides, I hadn’t “seen” it since 1993. Myst island was my favorite part of the original game, and I did want to see how it looked in real time.

I arrived on Myst island in the location as I had back in 1993. But the experience wasn’t the same for me as it was then. In ‘93, Myst had a bright sky, birds chirping, and looked and sounded like a happy place to visit. This was the same island alright, but it had lost its innocence. Here, before my eyes, was Myst island with heavy rain, lightning, and dark black skies. The grass was overgrown and the trees all looked dead. All the magnificent machines and enigmatic landmarks stood desolate and destroyed.

I understand that, for the plot of Myst V to work, none of the original items on Myst island could function as they once had. It would give the player a means to escape the ending of Myst V altogether, and you just can’t do that in a game. But the Myst island I saw before me looked more like a rape victim that had been used and left to die. The sinister weather and melancholy appearance of Myst felt like a metaphor for the series. Once the bestselling game series of all time, Myst had now been reduced to this. Like the series itself, Myst island was abandoned and forgotten.

I suppose I’m getting too emotional over a simple game, but Myst really had an impact on my life. I own all the Myst novels, I have an autographed copy of From Myst to Riven (signed by all the creators of Myst and Riven), and I was, once upon a time, a very active participant in the fan community.

But that was a past life and a long time ago…

I’ve been getting too many SPAM comments lately so I’ve implemented some anti-SPAM plugins for WordPress.  If you have trouble posting comments and/or they are not properly displayed, email me.  This is a work in progress.

Dreamhost (my server) has this nifty feature that shows me search terms people have used to find my web site. I found this one particularly interesting. Why anyone would want to search for this in the first place is beyond me. But who am I to judge? If nazgul women are your cup of tea, then, well, stay the fuck away from me.

As much as I don’t want to be the central hub for any Middle Earth necropheliac, I don’t want to disappoint my loving fans and readers either. So, merely for your viewing pleasure, here ya’ go.

If you don’t know who the Nazgul are, go here to educate yourself. A basic comprehension of the Lord of the Rings is recommended for all readers of the Fish.