Call me coach
I think I’ve found my ideal career opportunity after I get out of the Navy. I’m going to be a life coach. “What the hell is a life coach?” I hear you asking. A damn good question. I’m glad you asked.Perhaps it’s best if I explain to you what a life coach is by enlightening you on what a life coach is not. According to this life coach web site, a life coach is “not a therapist…more than a consultant…and not just a friend: Your life coach is your personal expert to help you realize your full potential!” (Sadly, a life coach is not able to run faster than a speeding bullet, is not more powerful than a locomotive, nor able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. But don’t be dismayed, as this doesn’t mean they can’t help you achieve these goals.)
So that is what a life coach essentially is. See? It should be clear to you now. No? Okay, for those of you in the back of the room, a life coach is a person who knows you better than even you. They’ll make your decisions for you and help you through the chaos that is your life. Doesn’t that just sound grand?
This same life coach site goes on to further ask the question: “Don’t you deserve to have an expert committed to your success?” Well, shit, that should sell you right there! Of course you deserve that kind of attention. Repeat after me: “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me. So long as I have the help of my life coach.”
Now that you’re intrigued and want to get started, here is how the life coaching procedure will start. The life coach will begin by asking you “powerful questions that will help you focus in on what is most important for you right now”. These questions may include but are not limited to:
- What is your name?
- What is your quest?
- What is the air speed velocity of a swallow?
- Are you now or have you ever been a member of the communist party?
- Did Obi-Wan ever tell you what happened to your father?
- What does Marsellus Wallace look like?
- Are you local?
This new career opportunity has me so excited that I don’t know how to contain myself! I only wish there was an easy way to become a life coach. Lucky for me, the Life Coaching Institue has made my wish come true! For only $1192 I can register for their life coach course. And if I don’t like it, I can return it for a “no-quibble” refund. I know, I know, it sounds expensive, doesn’t it? Almost to the point of being a scam or something. Fret not! Once I’m a certified life coach, I can charge you, my potential clients, outlandish fees upwards of $3100 for three months or $5500 for five months.
I must advise you to make your appointments now. I’ll be very busy in the coming months helping people just like you with their problems and coaching them about the mysterious void that is their life. Help me, help you! Operators are standing by.
March 26th, 2006 at 4:52 am
When you’re finished with your
victimsclients, send them on over to The Cow. They all eventually end up getting religion.March 26th, 2006 at 11:05 am
A Life Coach is somone who cant tell ya nothin bout life, but wholl show ya a filmstrip that tells ya evrything.
Geez! Look how old I am! A FILMSTRIP!
March 26th, 2006 at 2:05 pm
anaglyph: Sometimes it’s religion that drives them over the edge and that’s why they flock to me. It’s a vicious circle.
Joey: Despite your geezerness, I, too, remember filmstrips. But I grew up in a small town with a small school that had a small budget. Even the Amish looked at the school and asked, “What? They still use filmstrips?”
March 26th, 2006 at 4:55 pm
Funny how no one evr publishs a list o th top 10 FILMSTRIPS evr made!
March 26th, 2006 at 4:56 pm
STRIPFILMS is a hole nothr story.
August 9th, 2006 at 10:10 am
Yes. You are full of B.S.
But that is why I continually come to your blog. Verrrry funny! I like it! And to think, you wear a uniform AND you have wit!