I missed my round eyeglasses so I bought a second pair this afternoon. A spectacle-tacular day, if you will.

I bought the glasses at the local mall. I knew that Lens Crafters was inside the mall, and that’s about it. So, naturally, I ended up parking in the lot farthest from the store I wanted to be. This always happens to me.

While trekking through one of the department stores on my way to LC, I overheard an advertisement for “Not Your Daughter’s Tummy Tuck Jeans“. As with anything stupid that is played loudly within my general presence, I paused and listened more closely.

A woman came over a loudspeaker and proceeded to tell me how great Not Your Daughter’s Jeans (NYDJs) are and how they had a special feature that could help hide and tuck away my unwanted chub. I could wear at least one size smaller with these jeans. I found the entire experience rather peculiar. If I were wearing NYDJs, I think my lack of visible tummy would be the last thing people would notice.

“Fuck, dude, why are you wearing women’s jeans?”

“Man, listen. They might be women’s jeans, but they’re Not Your Daughter’s Jeans.”

“Motherfucker, they had better not be my daughter’s jeans. If they were, I’d kick your ass.”

“No, dude, you just don’t get it. These babies help me tuck my tummy, man. Can’t you see that?”

“All I see is your ass in chick pants.”

“You’re missing the point. See how they don’t make my ass look big?”

I think I’ve found my ideal career opportunity after I get out of the Navy. I’m going to be a life coach. “What the hell is a life coach?” I hear you asking. A damn good question. I’m glad you asked.Perhaps it’s best if I explain to you what a life coach is by enlightening you on what a life coach is not. According to this life coach web site, a life coach is “not a therapist…more than a consultant…and not just a friend: Your life coach is your personal expert to help you realize your full potential!” (Sadly, a life coach is not able to run faster than a speeding bullet, is not more powerful than a locomotive, nor able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. But don’t be dismayed, as this doesn’t mean they can’t help you achieve these goals.)

So that is what a life coach essentially is. See? It should be clear to you now. No? Okay, for those of you in the back of the room, a life coach is a person who knows you better than even you. They’ll make your decisions for you and help you through the chaos that is your life. Doesn’t that just sound grand?

This same life coach site goes on to further ask the question: “Don’t you deserve to have an expert committed to your success?” Well, shit, that should sell you right there! Of course you deserve that kind of attention. Repeat after me: “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me. So long as I have the help of my life coach.”

Now that you’re intrigued and want to get started, here is how the life coaching procedure will start. The life coach will begin by asking you “powerful questions that will help you focus in on what is most important for you right now”. These questions may include but are not limited to:

• What is your name?
• What is your quest?
• What is the air speed velocity of a swallow?
• Are you now or have you ever been a member of the communist party?
• Did Obi-Wan ever tell you what happened to your father?
• What does Marsellus Wallace look like?
• Are you local?

This new career opportunity has me so excited that I don’t know how to contain myself! I only wish there was an easy way to become a life coach. Lucky for me, the Life Coaching Institue has made my wish come true! For only $1192 I can register for their life coach course. And if I don’t like it, I can return it for a “no-quibble” refund. I know, I know, it sounds expensive, doesn’t it? Almost to the point of being a scam or something. Fret not! Once I’m a certified life coach, I can charge you, my potential clients, outlandish fees upwards of $3100 for three months or $5500 for five months.

I must advise you to make your appointments now. I’ll be very busy in the coming months helping people just like you with their problems and coaching them about the mysterious void that is their life. Help me, help you! Operators are standing by.

On Wednesday someone poured a can of soda into someone else’s backpack. It took place between 0800 and 1000 that morning. On Thursday, my entire crew was called to attention and given until 1200 for a name, else our 4 days off would instead be 4 days of cleaning the submarine, pier, etc. The backpack was in an open room with lots of computer cubicles. More than a hundred people come through and utilize this room every day, 24 hours a day. There is a significant probability that anyone, including people not on my own crew, could have done this.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. That sounds too logical, I know. And I agree with you because it is logical. That’s why I’ve created this flow chart to illustrate how the United States Navy gets to the bottom of a situation like this.

First off, five different people each went and tried to turm themselves in. The “powers that be” did not believe any of them so the threat of 4 days of cleaning continued all morning. Lesson learned: Even if one were to do something, when one goes to admit to it, no one will believe you anyway so why bother?

And you can forget about the probability of anyone else, say, from a different crew, pulling this little stunt. We know it was one of you. Don’t as us how we know, we just do. And we are always right. So there.

At 1400 we met at the pier and received a lecture on hazing and sexual harassment in the Navy. I can maybe see the hazing part, but dumping Coke in someone’s bag is sexual harassment? What happens if you grab their ass? Is that attempted homicide?

I guess it’s a good think that the Navy has these great flow charts to make sense of it all. You can’t go wrong with a flow chart.

In accordance with the advice and instruction set forth by the good Reverend of the High Executive Beaurau of the Tetherd Cow, I have moved my blog to my own server through Wordpress.

The Old Fish web site will remain available through Blogger for the time being. Every time I try to import my old posts it screws up the new web site (Links and comments no longer function once the Blogger pages are imported and I don’t know why).

Behold, the grand opening of the Fish 2.0. (Now with 33% less trans fat!)

Spent an absolutely wild night at Walmart a few days ago. I spent $9.73 on the coolest game I’ve ever played. It’s quite possibly the best $9.73 I’ve ever spent at Wal-Mart. I recently heard about a game called 20Q. It’s amazing. You think of something (like an animal, vegetable, mineral, or “other”) and the machine will try to guess what you’re thinking in 20 (relatively vague, no less) questions. Sometimes it takes the game 25 (which is the maximum amount it will guess), but it almost always gets it right! It’s amazing! Carnac the Magnificent would be proud.

Things I’ve discovered that 20Q knows: submarine, banana pepper, urethra, fart
One thing that 20Q does not know: condom

The web site version is okay but it asks more detailed questions than the handheld yo-yo sized version. So do yourself a favor and pick this sucker up. It’s the most fun you’ll have by yourself with the palm of your hand since, well, the urethra.

I saw this article in the Sydney Morning Herald today. A chicken shop sufferd from a “mysterious fire” and police are “treating the fire as suspicious”.

This incident made me ponder two things, specifically. First, if the fire was an act of vandalism (or perhaps, in this day and age, an act of terrorism), what’s the message here? A Holy War against…birds? And why chickens? Chickens aren’t the most dangerous birds known to mankind.

Secondly, why is this story featured on the front page of the newspaper’s web site? Surely there are more important things going on in the world than this?

But the Fish is here to examine the clues and aid the Sydney police in this matter. I know who’s behind it and I’ve got the facts to prove my case. “A Sydney chicken fire lit” is nothing more than an anagram for “Cheney’s a tricky infidel”. Yes, that’s right, Dick Cheney, the man behind the Quailgate conspiracy of ‘06, is the culprit responsible! A jihad against the most delicious ingredient of the McNugget!

Stock up now, folks. Just because chickens can’t soar, doesn’t mean the prices for them won’t. This attack could shake the very foundations of the fast food world as we know it.

More news as events warrant, here on the Fish News Network.

Don’t confuse it with that AWESOME* Robin Williams movie. My neighbor’s dog continues to bark all the time. ALL the time. I’m going to answer the burning question of the ages: Can a dog be bitch slapped?

*it sucked

Reason to hate South Carolina #247: Gnats.

In the mornings before work technically begins, the powers that be hold a muster at the pier. The technical military term for the morning “quarters” is FUBAR. Essentially, this process involves all the staff members and students lining up in ranks while the imperial overlords of the boat talk about the watchbill and plant operations. Ideally, it’s beneficial because you’re informed about any changes made to the plant, who’s on watch, what’s changed on the watchbill since you last saw it, etc.

In reality, however, no one speaks loudly enough so that you can hear them. Call me crazy, but if I were going to speak to a group of a hundred people, I would use my outdoor voice to the best of my ability. But, then, that would be logical and anyone who’s been in the military knows that logic is inversely proportional to the Navy (insert service of choice here). So you go ahead and keep on whispering, just don’t get pissed when I don’t know what the hell is going on.

What’s worse than muster is muster with gnats. Small, vampirical insects that have just recently come to my attention. I started the “prototype” program in the fall, when these bastards had already gone off and died from the cold (and good riddance!). Now they’ve returned to torment me irony has it out for me. And when irony fucks with me, it doesn’t even use lube.

“Gnat” is an acronym for Gigantic Nasty Aciculate Teeth. I’ve got small red spots all over my hands and head from these little sonsabitches. But I’ll show them. I’ve decided not to shower until the fall, take up smoking to gas them out, and to dowse myself in gasoline (when not smoking, mind you) to fume them out. Oh yes, vengeance will be mine!

Because of its incessant barking, I’m going to shoot my neighbor’s dog. And then I am going to shoot my neighbor. And then I will chuckle and finally, at long last, get some sleep.