Here are the movies that I would vote for if I were a member of the Academy. Although I’ve never seen it, I chose Brokeback Mountain for a lot of the categories just to make all the homophobic members that much more uncomfortable. Click the image for the full size version or simply click here.

Post your Oscar choices and reasons in the comments section or download your own Oscar ballot from www.oscars.com

Update: Server issues for the moment. Working on it.

I watch a lot of movies and almost never agree with the Academy’s selection of Oscar winners. Eventually, I will get my Oscar hatred web site (fucktheacademy.com) up and running but for the time being the Navy controls my life.

I saw an ad for the Oscars today but I’m working when they’re on. I’m willing to bet that Capote wins Best Picture and Phillip Seymour Hoffman wins Best Actor. The sad thing is that Capote really looked like a movie that was made just to win an Oscar. I feel the same way about A Beautiful Mind. (Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers should have won instead).

I ‘ve seen P.S.H. in other movies and he is a good actor, but anyone can talk like a fruity flight attendant. Is that all it takes to get nominated for an Oscar these days?

And right after the Oscar commercial I saw an ad for the Ultra Violet movie. I haven’t even seen this movie and already I can tell you that it sucks. Where have all the good movies gone? Hey, Hollywood, I don’t mind the comic book movies, but at least make good comic book movies. I need another Batman Begins or Spider-Man movie, not another rehash of the horrible Matrix trilogy.

For the record, the only nomination worth mentioning is Best Actress. Keira Knightley was nominated and she should win based soley on the fact that she’s gorgeous. Swallow your pride and don’t be prejudiced: Vote Keira.

P.S.
Craig, if you’re reading this, I’ll do anything you want for an autographed picture of KK, dude. Anything.

The Official Blog of Nuclear Power

Finally, after almost two years of training, I got to stand a watch as reactor operator. That shit was pretty cool, too. Being the person responsible for a multi-megawatt nuclear reactor was awesome.

I got to control the reactor for four hours and do a bunch of confidential stuff associated with it. I wish I could say more because it was exciting but I’m afraid the government would disagree with me. If nothing else it will give me something to talk about at my class reunion in a few years.

I hope the form that you fill out about what you’ve done with the past ten years of your life has a blank space for “job”. “Nuclear reactor operator and part-time blogger.”

To the “gifted students” from my high school that are anything but:
To the former athletes working shiftwork at the local papermill:
To the drug-using dropouts who were never worth a damn:
To every bully I’ve ever encountered through all my years of school:

Fuck all of you, I controlled a nuclear reactor.

I spent a good portion of last weekend on the phone with McDonald’s. It was around midnight on Saturday. Everyone in my family had gone to bed except my youngest brother, Glenn, and his friend Paul.

There’s a web site that I frequent quite a bit called Ebaumsworld. It’s updated every Friday and has a lot of jokes and stupid videos. But it’s also got some great soundboards with clips of celebrity voices for use with prank calls.

One such soundboard features Jack Black. Jack is to acting as McDonald’s is to gourmet food. However, his soundboard offered hours of fun.

The hotel lobby offered free Internet access and Motorola cell phones have the ability to block their caller ID on outgoing calls. Throw in some boredom and a lot of beer and, well, you can figure it out from there…

I started out calling all the McDonald’s restaurants in Jacksonville. Most had closed and only one of them would talk to Jack for so long. So then I figured I might have better luck in Las Vegas. So I called all the McDonald’s phone numbers that I could find listed in Las Vegas. But they weren’t feeling too chatty either.

My best phone call was to a small city in Ohio called Wadsworth. I got a guy on the phone who talked to Jack for a whole 6 and a half minutes. The phone conversation always started out in the same way, with Jack saying, “Yea, hold on a second, I’m looking at the menu” as if her were going to place an order over the phone. Then we went through what I like to call “the nuggest phase”, in which Jack tries to order 4 chicken McNuggets except that McDonald’s only sells them in sixes. Then Jack would try and order something that McDonald’s doesn’t even sell, like a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger (Wendy’s?) or curly fries (Arby’s). Once this was all said and done, Jack would ask for the total. The dude in Wadsworth was the only one who actually waited patiently enough to give me a total (a real one) so I wasn’t sure what to do. So I clicked on some of the other Jack sounds or would attempt to order another
junior bacon cheeseburger.

Towards the end the guy at McDonald’s must have gotten tired of Jack because he told him that he could not take his order over the phone. He suggested that I come in and place an order inside the restaurant. Jack would not hear of it and merely replied, “Please don’t offer me anything, I’ll tell you what I want.”

I had the guy so flustered that he started to get upset. So Jack told him, “Shut up and listen to my order.” Amazingly enough the guy didn’t hang up! So I started my order over again for the third time. It wasn’t until Jack told the McDonald’s guy to stick two of the chicken McNuggets up his ass (the only real way to get the 4 that Jack wanted anyway) that he hung up.

But I have a feeling that Jack will one day call again…

Behold, the face of a killer. On the trip back from visiting my brother in North Carolina, I hit a raccoon with my car. I like animals (especially for dinner) but I prefer not to kill any of them if I don’t have to. Especially if it means hitting them with my car because, while I like animals, I love my car.

Now, in my defense, there was another car in the left lane so I couldn’t have moved over without hitting it. And the fucking raccoon was sitting on its ass eating in the middle of the right lane. What was I to do?

Two crunches and two thump/thwacks later I was still safely on my way home but I don’t think the raccoon made it. So, in his (her?) honor, I’ve posted a photo of the little furball’s final expression right before my killer car took him out.

It’s just too bad I couldn’t have run over a bird instead. That would have been justice.

I have the greatest brothers in the world and wouldn’t trade them for anything. I had a great time with you guys this weekend and I miss you both.

Drew, I’m glad you’re home and safe again in the USA. We all missed you.
Glenn, keep the laughs and one-liners coming. And make sure Drew doesn’t do anything too stupid.

I’m back. I start another 14 days of crappy shiftwork but I will find time to update the Fish.

I did learn that my web site’s layout is apparently not compatible with Internet Explorer because it moves all the text to the bottom of the page rather than beside my icon and links. I noticed it while using the computer in the hotel lobby.

It looks fine in Firefox (which is what everyone should be using instead of IE anyway) so I don’t know what’s wrong. If you’re good at HTML and have a tip or a fix, please let me know.

Everything that is electronic has gone wrong. Today. My server is fucked up, my cell phone is fucked up…

I can’t wait to get in the goddam car tomorrow and drive for 5 hours and see what goes wrong with that.

Fuck Cingular
Fuck Godaddy
Fuck South Carolina

I’m out of here til Monday.

Mondays suck. The world enters a vortex where time passes slower on Mondays than on the weekend. (On the weekend, time enters a turbo mode so it can punish you longer by getting to Monday sooner.)

What I need is the ability to stop, rewind, and fast forward time as I see fit. So if you see a DeLorean time machine anywhere, let me know.

Mondays are just one of the many things I’m going to change when I get to heaven and take over the operations going on up there. Also on my list of changes are:

Eyelashes: I’ve had enough of them fall off and into my eye to last a life time. It’s not a pleasant experience, to say the least.

Lack of venom or claws or fangs: Enough of this shaven pink monkey look. Humans would be cooler with retractable claws.

Wisdom teeth: You grow ‘em just to pull ‘em. What’s the fucking point?

I should live in Australia: I suppose this is a mute point since I will be dead, but since I will be taking over as the Almighty I’m thinking of relocating to Australia and keeping Heaven as sort of a “summer home” kind of deal.

Nextel phones: Anyone who attempts to use the walkie talkie function of a Nextel phone will immediately flash and transform into a steaming pile of vomit. If you have a Nextel phone, DO NOT use the walkie talkie function with all the beeping and blooping in public. NO ONE ELSE gives a shit about your conversation and NO ONE ELSE wants to hear it.

Jack Thompson: I would force this fool to play GTA for all eternity.

I’ve been away for the past couple of days because I’ve been in heated negotiations with the Olympic Committee about being the official blog of the Olympics. And not just for Torino 2006, but from now to all eternity. Naturally, the committee was ecstatic (to say the least) and agreed with me.

Unfortunately, I had no say whatsoever in the choosing of the Olympic mascot. My artistic skills just can’t compete with Pedro Albuquerque. I mean, just look at these…things. There is no way I could draw something this technical and difficult looking.

Here is what the Official Torino 2006 site has to say about the mascots:

“Neve”: she is a gentle, kind and elegant snowball; “Gliz”: he is a lively, playful ice cube. They are the two symbolic characters of the XX Olympic Winter Games. They complement each other and personify the very essence of winter sports.

Damn, they aren’t kidding when it comes to the personification of winter sports. How did they know that these two characters were exactly what I picture in my mind when I hear the term “winter sports”? It’s like they crawled into my brain and stole this image from my mind’s eye. I swear.

Kind and elegant snowball? Can a snowball even get pissed off and bitchy? And Gliz isn’t even an original idea. I’ve beat the Smoking Gun to this story. Gliz is really a ripoff of the Stinky Cheeseman.

I propose the removal of Gliz and to replace him with this guy:

This is Wiz. And here is what the Official Blog of the Olympics has to say about Wiz:

“Wiz”: he is an outgoing, moist and yellow snowbeing; He is the symbolic character of the XX Olympic Winter Games. He personifies the very essence of waiting outside and watching winter sports with a full bladder.

Let the games begin!

UPDATE: It has also recently come to my attention that Neve is none other than the Cingular logo.