When I was a kid my mother would torment us with Kool Aid. And I say torment because she always bought the sugarless kind. Joy.

Ah, yes, I remember those days. The good old days, as they were. A nice hot summer afternoon in July or August. My brothers and I would have just finished saving the house from yet another Nazi brigade attempting to overtake us as we played “war” in the backyard. Or aliens would have landed (sometimes in conjunction with the Nazis) and were trying to take over the Earth and it was up the three of us to save the world. Perhaps the most thirst-causing endeavor, however, would be the three of us helping out the Ninja Turtles kick Shredder’s ass.

Regardless of what the adventure was, we’d end up thirsty. Once we had sent the badguys running, we ventured into the kitchen for a nice beverage. And instead we found Kool Aid.

Having just poured ourselves a nice full glass of the artificially colored beverage of choice, we’d start to drink it of course. MMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmm!!!! Nothing beats the natural water flavor of sugarless Kool Aid! Gee, thanks, Mom! Maybe I should have let the Nazis take over the house if this is all the thanks I get…

I bring this up because I remembered this morning (out of the blue) the Kool Aid point system. I haven’t had Kool Aid in over 10 years, so I have no idea if the points are still in existence. But each small (and sugarless) pouch contained a “Kool Aid point”. It was the only point to the Kool Aid, too, let me tell you, because sugarless Kool Aid is relatively pointless.

Anyhow, these points could be saved up and sent in to redeem Kool Aid toys and trinkets. It worked similar to the Camel Cash or Marlboro Miles for cigarettes, except that our Kool Aid was not habit forming nor bad for you because, once again, it had no sugar whatsoever.

My brothers and I had the points evenly distributed among the three of us and were each allowed to “spend” them on what we wanted from the small Kool Aid “catalogue”. I specifically remember ordering a Kool Aid truck, which I believe was made by Hot Wheels. The artistic rendering in the brochure looked much larger and better than anything reality could provide, but I wanted it anyway. I had enough points left over to also order a Kool Aid cup. I sent in my points and waited for my treasures to arrive.

That was 12 or more years ago and I am still waiting on my fucking truck. Kool Aid has ripped me off. Of course, they sent me a stupid cup, but what kid wants a cup over a toy truck? And it’s not like I drank our sugarless Kool Aid from that cup. Hell, no, I filled that sucker up with Coca-Cola. At least it had caffeine and sugar.

My life is forever scarred now because I didn’t get my toy truck. I don’t think I will ever be the same. So I am putting out a warrant on the Kool Aid Man. If I ever see his fat pitchered ass, you can be sure I’m going to kick it. The bastard ripped me off.

Happy National Voodoo Day!

1st deck
male head
1st stall.

graffiti: “Masters at arms’ have penis sizes smaller than their ASVAB scores!”

Head, to you non-naval folk, is the same thing as a restroom. And I doubt that the American Restroom Association would appreciate this little nuance if they were to find it.

It seems like most Nukes I know got a 99 on their ASVAB (the highest score possible). I think the Navy requires a minimum of 35 to get in, so this joke doesn’t make sense really. Even if a Master at Arms was to get a 35 on his ASVAB, I would say that is still very well endowed (provided the graffitist is measuring in the units of inches).

The most random things will pop into one’s mind when one is forced to think about nuclear power for 12 hours a day. But I can assure you that I have never gone so far as to ponder the length of another sailor’s penis. Therefore, I can only assume that the astute observation was left by a mechanic.

Congratulations, monkey, you just earned yourself a banana!

It was brought to my attention by a fellow sailor that I should watch the movie The Machinist with Christian Bale. I loved him in the new Batman movie (best Batman movie ever) and he did a great job as Jim in Empire of the Sun. (We’ll just forget about Newsies for now…)

I can’t believe what Christian Bale had to go through for his role in this film. I read he dropped over 60 pounds for his character. He looks like he’s ready to die any minute. Supposedly, all he ate was a can of tuna and an apple once a day. It really is amazing to see him before and after (A.K.A. Trevor Reznik then Bruce Wayne).

The film is similiar to Fight Club in that a paranoid man thinks everyone is out to get him and another mysterious character that only he can see shows up and messes with his mind. It’s got a little bit of Memento in there, but the difference being that The Machinist is a good movie whereas Memento just sucks. Fight Club is still a far superior film, but The Machinist does manage to stand on its own. The ending didn’t surprise me, but after seeing movies like SAW, Seven, and Fight Club it’s getting easier to figure out the “twists”.

The story is intriguing and should keep your attention. If nothing else, it’s worth seeing Christian Bale’s performance alone. The man’s got some real talent and it’s nice to see a “new face” in cinema once in a while.

3 and a half post-it notes out of five.

New Life Ministries is is disgusted and upset with the amount of porn that our soldiers stationed overseas have collected.

Apparently they feel so strongly about it that they are sending “Battle Kits” overseas to help aid in this “problem”. These Battle Kits include titles like Every Man’s Battle and Being God’s Man in Tough Times.

From ABC News: “Your goal is sexual purity,” the text says. “You are sexually pure when no sexual gratification comes from anyone or anything but your wife.”

Oh, really? Last I checked you couldn’t take your wife with you. And how does the church know if someone’s wife is sexually gratifying? Does the church really expect a guy to get blue balls while he’s stationed overseas for so long? I say after all the shit my brother has had to deal with that he’s earned the right to rub one out, regardless of what any church thinks.

It’s stupid shit like this that just makes me despise Christianity. It’s not a religion, it’s a megacorp enterprise that wants to tell everyone how to run their life. What the fuck is it with these righteous religious bastards and their concerns about people beating off to porn? Do they really have nothing better to do with their time? Hell, maybe they need to audition the fingerpuppets more often so they wouldn’t be so damn uptight. Think of all the money being spent on these pamphlets and where it could be put to better use (Like printing more pornography!).

I think the worst part about the whole situation is that it’s now in the news and the public is going to think that everyone in the military has a porn problem. (I’m here to tell you that I do not have a porn problem: I have just enough stored away for safe keeping. Mmmm… Keira Knightley…)

From the ABC News article: “Whatever happens over there will happen,” Aguilar said. “I just want to go with a platoon and have tools to prepare us that makes us closer, and we will have less problems. These problems may seem trivial, but it ends up affecting the whole unit.”

“Make us closer”? Hmmm… Sounds suspiciously gay to me. Last thing I want to do is get close with a man in the sand, you know what I mean? I’ll have to add this to my Gays in the Military post. So don’t get close with Rosey Palm and her Five Lovely Daughters but get close to your fellow soldier? Sssssssssstop it, ssssssir!

I think a counter-attack against New Life Ministries is in order. I’ll have to make my own kits with porno and mail them overseas so our soldiers can further improve their man-to-hand relationships. At the very least, my kits would include these awesome Bumper Nuts to attach to all tanks, humvees, and driven vehicles. If only I could think of something as cool and unique as “Battle Kit”.

Dear Afishionados,

Please, for goodness sake don’t tell anyone that the former SSBN 626 (A.K.A. Daniel Webster) is now located in Charleston, SC as a moored training ship. Think of what the terrorists could learn if they only knew this valuable piece of information. It terrifies me to the core to think of what could happen if our enemies found out. I just hope that I don’t run into any that can actually read English since this information is sewn into the top my fucking ballcap where anyone could see it.

Had another “discussion” at work today on how information like this should be kept secret. Apparently I should be careful of who I tell. I can understand not telling you what goes on inside the 626 (nothing exciting believe me), but telling you where it is? You, in the corner! Yea I see you! Don’t even think of Googling MTS-626 to find out where it is. You terrorist maggot! You make me sick.

At least the information NOT stated above (You didn’t really read it because I Jedi mind tricked you)is secure from the outside world. Remember, if anyone asks, I work onboard the SSBN Loveboat. God bless government secrecy.

Happy New Year from the Fish!