Since I live under a rock for 12 hours a day in a building with absolutely NO WINDOWS WHATSOEVER I often miss out on important world news events that shake our society to the very depths of its foundation. News stories so shocking that I am embarassed once I learn I’ve been living in absolute ignorance.

And other times I just miss out on overhyped media bullshit. Which brings me to the case of James Frey versus the All Knowing Vagina.

I’ve not read this book so I don’t have an opinion on its context per se, but anyone who tries to pull one over on ol’ Oprah is cruisin’ for a bruisin’. You just can’t make up lies and sell them as truths in the public eye! Who do you think you are? President Bush?

This audacious behavior of yours has hurt me, James. The African-American woman inside of me is crying right now because of what you’ve done. [Sniff] If only Dr. Phil were here to hug me.

I’ve learned something from James Frey today. I’ve learned that lying about personal memoirs and elaborating on “facts” may come back to haunt me. But only after my book is published and I get two rounds of free publicity for my book! This guy went on Oprah’s show once to hype the book then went back to “apologize” and spread the word even more. Smooth, Jimbo, very smooth.

I find it ironic that so many of the All Knowing Vagina’s readers/viewers are upset with what they read in Frey’s book. When I worked at Barnes and Noble, 99% of the people who wanted the latest Oprah book didn’t even know what it was called.

Customer: “Yes, hi, I’m looking for the newest Oprah book. It was just on her show today.”

Me, who does not watch Oprah and has been working while her show was on and Oprah did not have the decency to call me personally to inform me of what her new book would be, the bitch: “Do you remember the title?”

Customer: “Remember the Titans? No, that’s a Disney Movie. I’m looking for the new Oprah book.”

Me: “Yes, I understand that. What’s it called?”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t remember but Oprah just loved it.”

Yes, I’m sure she did. Especially if it’s a depressing story about a poor southern family, maybe with a little abuse thrown in there to liven things up a bit.

I’ve been reading Bill Bryson’s book In a Sunburned Country over the past few months. I’m taking my time with it because I like it a lot and don’t want it to end. But with this recent James Frey fiasco, how can I trust memoirs and “nonfiction” books now? How do I know that Bill Bryson even went to Australia at all? How can I be sure that Mitch Albom really spent all those Tuesdays with Morrie? What’s to say it wasn’t a Saturday night?

I suppose if it’s facts I’m looking for, I can always turn to my old trusted friend, Fox News for the answers. They wouldn’t lie to me, would they?

Anyone who’s seen Disney’s Aladdin knows there are rules associated with wishes. Essentially, a genie can’t do the following:

1. Bring someone back from the dead
2. Make people fall in love
3. You can’t wish for more wishes

I’m not sure why these rules are in effect, but there are and so I must obey them. Nevertheless, I think it’s safe to say I’ve found a loophole.

So here are my three wishes:

1. A lightsaber. And not just a movie prop, I’m talking an all out fully functional lightsaber with blade and everything. Coolest. Weapon. Ever.

2. Jedi Force powers. I want the ability to lift people off the ground and force their heads through the ceiling if they’re annoying me. Or use Force push and watch people trip. Yea, I’d be a dark Jedi because it’s just so much more fun.

But I draw the line at wearing a robe. I don’t want people confusing me with Jesus.

3. Another magic lamp. See? problem solved. You can get free wishes for life this way.

All of you will know when I find a magic lamp, too, because I’ll be writing entries from Australia*.

*Lamp #2, Wish #1

These are some movie villains I like. Some from my childhood and some from nowadays. They’re listed in no particular order and I’m sure there are others I could think of but this is all I’ve got for now.

Maleficent scared the shit out of me as a kid when I saw Sleeping Beauty, especially when she turned into a dragon and grew all those thorns around the castle. She’s the best Disney villain by far, and I’d go so far as to rate her one of the top greatest villains of all time. (She’s also quite a bitch in the Kingdom Hearts game).

Face it, Hannibal Lecter has good taste (ha). He’s got class, he’s suave, and he’s intelligent. Unfortunately, he was in that shitty movie Hannibal. Tsk. Silence of the Lambs and Red Dragon were actually good.

I’m not so crazy about Sauron as the eyeball, but when he came out to the fields in his armor and started swinging his weapon around and knocking back waves of soldiers… Well, let’s just say that I’m jealous. I wish I could do that.

The movies are bad, especially Aliens vs. Predator, but the character itself is pretty cool. I like when the blow themselves up at the end of every battle. Talk about sore losers.

Another classic. Few people realize that the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man only terrorized New York City because the United States Navy forced him to go through the Nuclear Power training pipeline.

He’s not a good governor, but he is a cool villain. ‘Nuff said.

The Queen from ALIENS is one of the creepiest and coolest creatures ever. I saw one of the robot puppets at a Planet Hollywood in Florida.

My personal favorite character from the Lord of the Rings movies (and books for that matter). He’s crazy and he’s funny. I can relate to that.

Batman Begins is the best Batman film, but Jack as the Joker is another memorable villain from my childhood.

A great horror comedy film and one that scared me as a kid. Also, the only good movie that Howie Mandel has participated in.

Despite many a mixed opinion of the sequels, Darth Vader still kicks ass. I did like him better before I knew the whiney teenager behind the mask, but I wouldn’t want to run into him in a dark alley.

So how about the rest of you? Got any favorites?

I hate math but the Navy thinks it’s important enough for me to do every single day over and over. Somebody sent me this in an email and I thought it was funny. I wish I could answer my tests like this.

Not to frighten anyone off, but there’s a religious situation that I need some clarification on. Say you’re married and you die. Your spouse falls in love with someone else and re-marries. Eventually, both of them die.

Now, let’s also include in this little debacle that you’re all “good enough” to get to heaven (Don’t worry, Joey, I’ll keep you company in Hell). Who, then, hooks up with who? Isn’t heaven supposed to be a happy, fun loving place where you get to chill with past friends and loved ones for all eternity?

I think if this situation happened to me I’d go Samuel L. Jackson on the new husband’s ass.

“Mothafucka I know yo’ ass isn’t up here for all eternity in my shit. You best get yo’ bitch ass packin’ and find some other cloud to inhabit during your stay here.”

Are you allowed to swear in heaven? Some things you might have to avoid. Like saying “Jesus Christ!” a lot.

::Poof:: he appears (Jesus does “poof” right?). “Yea, whaddya want?” Maybe he just gets that a lot and he’s gotten used to it.

I suppose that fighting is out of the question, too. I guess there’s not much to do besides sit around, swap stories, and eat mints.

A new article on the topic of suspended animation sounds pretty cool.

Been shot? On the way to the hospital? Good chance of dyin’? Good news! Some doctor has figured out a way to freeze you and revitalize you. Of course, I’ve seen the movies and I know waking up from your cryotube just means you’re within landing distance of LV-426 and that you’re probably going to die from some acid-blooded alien anyway. My recommendation is to just stay asleep and avoid all the trouble.

Apparently, the doctor has had a success rate of 90% out of the two hundred pigs he tested his procedure on. Roseanne Arnold could not be reached for comment.

Would you want to live in a “tree” house?

How does a realitor sell this? “Yes, ma’am, it’s got an acre and a half of living space. Be careful when you’re cooking as to not catch the branches on fire.”

Messy children’s rooms? “John, get in there and talk to your son. His room is filthy. It’s a real jungle in there.”

“Honey, I’m gonna go outside and water the lawn… And house.”

I’ve been looking for a nice watch for about two years. Apparently I have very picky tastes with the watch I am searching for because no one makes what I want.

1. Titanium. The watch must be lightweight and titanium is just awesome.

2. Kinetic or Solar powered. No batteries to change is a good thing.

3. Built in calendar. I never know what day it is, especially with this new shift work.

4. Two or more time zone capability. I’m sure I will be traveling some with the Navy and I want to know what time is it at home as well as where I am.

That’s about it. I don’t think those are outrageous demands but no watchmakers agree with me. For the time being, I’ve settled on a Timex with two time zones, lightweight brushed stainless steel, digital as well as analog time, calendar, stopwatch, and alarm. All this for just $40. If only it were titanium and kinetic.

I’ve set the second time zone to Sydney because it makes me feel like I work a more normal day (I get home around 5 PM this way). Plus, flashing the indiglo feature is just hypnotizing when I get really loopy towards the end of my shift. Blink… Blink… Blink…

I’ve started shift work. It sucks. I hope that my recruiter gets sucked up in the jet engines that he works on. I blame him.

Found out this weekend that my brother should be coming home from Iraq Trip #2 on February 13th. Looks like I’m off to Jacksonville, NC for some beer and some Marine partying.

At least, beer for me. Flowers for the Marines. Everyone knows Marines love flowers. Just look at this chair…