The topic of gays in the military was brought up at work the other day by one of my instructors. For some reason that I can’t figure out, a lot of guys think just because they’re around a homosexual, that their asshole has just become his personal target.

I’m not gay and I’m not homophobic. I have known and have worked with enough gay people to know that this is just not the case. Switch gears for a minute. I’m heterosexual and I guarantee you that I do not want to stick anything anywhere and have sex with just any woman simply because she’s a woman. For proof of this, I submit to you exhibit A:

So why do most guys think they’re going to get jumped by a homosexual? Do they really believe that just because a guy is gay that he wants to have sex with every single guy that he sees, that he doesn’t have standards and qualities that he looks for in a guy? I think it’s one of the dumbest things to worry about.

I love to play devil’s advocate, especially to “old school” military personnel that think that all gays are evil and out to hump them. I pointed out to my instructor that the only thing that kept him from being a homosexual was the fact that he hadn’t slept with any men, despite having all the other necessary qualities. He objected profusely in that he posessed no homosexual qualities and had no idea what I was talking about, so I tried to make it clearer to him what I meant.

Gay stereotype #1: Clothes

How many outfits does a guy need?

I have a dress blue uniform, a dress white uniform, summer whites, working blues, utilities, and coveralls. (Many other rates in the Navy have even more) Why? Do I really need to change into this many costumes? How about one dress uniform and one working uniform? (And the coveralls, because, well… Let’s face it, they’re damn comfy.) Plus, some of the uniforms are made of polyester! I don’t know any straight guys outside the military that wear polyester! I have gay friends that have less clothes (and polyester) than me.

Gay stereotype #2: Well groomed

“Did you shave this morning?”

Have you ever seen a guy in the military with long hair or a beard? Hell no. You know why? Because every day other guys in the military are inspecting you. They’re seeing if your hair is cut to standards and if you’re clean shaven. Dudes checking out dudes? Gay.

Gay stereotype #3: Looking at other guys

This ties in with the above to some degree. I can’t say that I spend a great deal of my time looking at the asses and such of other men. But it must make a lot of people in the military excited! An example: uniform inspections. A whole line of guys standing at attention with their butt cheeks clenched tight with their chest poking out just so some other guy can walk by and check them out. They get up close, look at your haircut, your shave, your shiny (or lack therof) boots, your uniform, etc.). It’s like the dating game and they want to see who they can go out with based on looks alone. What the military calls an inspection I consider a fashion show. And fashion shows without women are gay.

I think my observations are funny and I only said them to ruffle my instructor’s feathers. And I succeeded. He just scoffed and trotted out of the room unhappily, saying, “Well I’m sorry you feel that way.”

I suppose “the gays” are out there, but hopefully my instructor can find some comfort in the fact that not everyone in the Navy is gay. (You have to look to the Marines for that.)

This entry was posted on Friday, December 30th, 2005 at 3:11 pm and is filed under Navy, Observations. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.