If the title of this post were true, then the guy I sat next to for 12 long hours today would be in for a real treat.

First off, let me explain to you that nothing I do at work (at least right now) is the least bit entertaining. There is nothing of interest to anyone who’s even remotely sane. Believe me, it’s very dry.

That being said, you tend to notice certain little quirks about people since you spend 12 hours with them in the same building with absolutely no windows to the outside world. I sit in between two people, a close friend of mine to my left and another guy to my right, who I firmly believe escaped from a genetically experimental sasquatch zoo. I’ll just refer to him as “L”.

There are three parts to the nuclear training program, and L. was in my second portion and followed along for the third. (Thankfully, I did not have him for the first part.) I never paid much attention to him while were together in the second stage because he sat up front on the other side of the room. We just never interacted.

And all that changed today. I happened to notice what he was doing and ultimately decided that God was punishing me. I looked over to my right and discovered L. was picking his nose something fierce. I’m not talking about a casual itch, or even a “Hey, non one’s looking so I’m gonna go for this little booger here that’s been giving me a fit”. No, those could at least be understood if not condoned. L. had set up an entire excavation. He must have been searching for the Lost Ark of the Covenant, Jimmy Hoffa’s briefcase, China, or the cure for cancer. And, after studying him for a few moments, I discovered that he was casually placing his archaeological treasures beneath the tabletop, this ensuring their safety for future generations to unveil and discover.

But it gets better.

A few more hours (though it felt like days) I happened to catch L. scrathing and picking the pimples on his back and face. He was squirting his backne right next to me. Unfortunately, my stomach could not take it any longer, and thus, I cannot account for the ultimate location of the little white inserts that undoubtedly escaped his filthy little pores.

Tomorrow I will attempt to move to a different part of the room. Somewhere, anywhere.

Holy crap I am not used to this early rising situation. No matter what time I set my alarm for, I always wake up before it anyway. So I get up even earlier than I mean to in the first place. (Or, in your case, Peter, I’m lazy as hell and don’t get up until 9:30p.m. every day.)

Maybe I can sleep a little better tonight knowing that my precious collection of “The League of Gentlemen” can safely travel with me to Sydney and be played after all.

Time to row with the other slaves. See you in 12 hours.

I’ve realized, in wanting to move to Australia at some point, that I will have to buy all my shit all over again because of all the different electrical and formatting issues involved with living in different countries.

My beloved flat 32 inch (81.28 cm for those metric folks out there) widescreen LCD television and Sony high-definition DVD player won’t do me much good Down Under. And of course, all my DVD’s will need to go because of the NTSC video system. Everything everyplace else uses PAL. Why the hell can’t the world decide on one format and agree to use it everywhere?

I’m all for the metric system. I loathe math to begin with (which is why I chose the get into nuclear field. I mean, how much math could there possibly be in nuclear physics and engineering, anyway?*). Even I can divide and multiply by factors of 10. Feet to inches? Pounds to ounces? To hell with it.

At least MP3’s and AAC files are universal, so my iPod will make it with me. I know Apple will rape me for a universal power connector for it, but at least I know that I can use it in other countries. But, no, wait… It’s got video output features now. ::Whew:: A quick check on Apple’s site confirms both NTSC and PAL outputs. Hooray.

And my cellphone uses GSM networks, which tends to dominate most of the world’s mobile phone systems, so I can take that, too. I just can’t charge it since it came with the U.S. wall charger. Stupid RAZR phone…

And that’s about it. Everything else uses our electrical outlet connections. So, let me double-check my suitcase. Clothes, toothbrush, iPod, and phone. I suppose that’s all I’ll really need, anyway.

I suppose this is as good a place as any to warn the people of the world. When I become Earth Czar, I will breed an army of mutant minions to thwart the evil tyrants who create and force all the various locations of the world to use different standards and formats. We will unite under the banners of AAC, MP3, PAL, GSM, DVD-R, 1080p, and the metric system. Gone will be Real Player, the English System, and CDMA.

And I will make math illegal. Oh, yes, my poppets, it will be done…

*sarcasm

Well, it’s been nice having the past two weeks off work. I wish it could stay that way forever, but, alas, back to the grind. (Sorry, Peter, this means I’ll have to cut back on the amount of Photoshopping I do for your blog.)

Just a little more classroom training and then I (finally) get to work on a real nuclear reactor! I’m excited and scared at the same time. But God knows I’ve spent enough time inside Rickover Center at NNPTC. So I’m hoping that a change of scenery will be nice.

My two weeks of leave was successful in doing very little of anything (which is exactly what I wanted.) I wanted two weeks of relaxation and vegetation and that’s what I got.

The Nothingness I Did on Leave:

*Played and beat Doom 3: Resurrection of Evil and F.E.A.R.
*Watched SAW II (which messed with my mind)
*Bought the new 60 gig iPod with video capabilities
*Discovered, by chance, who Missy Higgins was and bought her CD
*Played Call of Duty 2
*Washed my car
*Spent time with my mom, grandma
*Talked to my brother in Iraq at least 3 or 4 times
*Grew obsessed with the Tetherd Cow
*Slept in until 9 or 10 every day

I’ll miss it Goodbye, free time. See you in six months.

I’m depressed tonight. I feel homesick for a place I’ve never even seen. Is that even possible?

I have this overwhelmingly powerful desire to go to Australia. Not just to visit, but to live. I’ve had this feeling for years and years. I feel as though it’s a calling and I don’t know what for. I just know that in my heart I am supposed to be there. I need to go, and I don’t know why.

I know how Charlie felt about Wonka’s mysterious chocolate factory. What’s there that is so important? And why’s it feel so important to me if I’ve never been there before?

I only have five years left in the Navy. Maybe by then the time will be right to put things into perspective and set things in motion.

I just hope that my golden ticket dream comes true.

I am the only male in the world who will admit to liking the movie Titanic. And I’m fine with that. I’ve always wanted to own it on DVD, even during the early days of the DVD format itself when the now regular edition of TITANIC (no special features whatsoever) was $30.

However, I was patiently waiting until 2007 because I knew without a doubt that there would be a special edition made of the DVD for it’s 10 year anniversary. You just can’t have a Titanic DVD without extra features, commentaries, makings-of, etc. And since Hollywood loves to pat itself on the back with re-release after re-release of films, I knew that Titanic would inevitably follow suit.

So 2007 came and went and before I knew it, it was 2005 already. Wait a sec! The 1o year anniversary edition that I had patiently waited for was out a whole TWO YEARS EARLY!?

So I just finished watching it with the director’s commentary. Commentaries are either hit or miss for me. Either a director can talk about his film or he just can’t. Frank Darabont, for example, did a fabulous job with the Shawshank Redemption but his director’s commentary could put even the worst insomniac into a nice comfy slumber.

Anway, ol’ Jim Cameron and I spent an evening together with some tea and salsa and watched Titanic together. (He didn’t even seem to mind when I had to frequent the pause button to occasionally piss from all the tea.) And one question I have always wanted answered by the director is, Does Rose die at the end or just fall asleep and dream?

Now, my own interpretation of this is that, yes, she does in fact die and revisit all her long lost friends and colleagues at the bottom of the ocean. But I wanted to hear from the big man Jimmy C. Surely, the man behind Terminator 2 and ALIENS would not disappoint, right?

Bullshit he wouldn’t. It’s as if the commentary was written specifically for me. Jim actually states that he knows I bought this special edition DVD just to see if Rose dies and he knows how he meant for it to play out when he wrote it but he will never tell.

Well damned if I don’t feel cheated. You got me, Jimbo, you got me. If I was a cat, I’d be dead by now, let me tell you. Yes, yes it’s true, I wanted YOUR answer. You friggin’ bastard I hope you’re happy.

You’ll rue the day you crossed me, Cameron. Curse you.*

*Not really I love your films. Plus it could jeopardize my Hollywood career, which may just take off after I acquire the new “The Movies” game tomorrow.